Monthly Archives: September 2005

A Bastardly Halloween: Bai Ling

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For the next month (or so), we’ll be doing a special series of posts dealing with Halloween. It’ll be a Bastardly Halloween w/ celebrities, so look out, kiddies! I have a feeling that 90% of the Halloween related posts will deal with hookers, whores, & sluts—you know, the usual bastardly topics.

Ok, so with that in hand, let’s start the series w/ Bai Ling. After much thought, Bai Ling decided to put on some clothes for this year’s Halloween. She’s going trick-or-treatin’ as a Chinese hooker. Here’s the first bad joke (of presumably many): [drum roll] I wish I could give Bai Ling my candy bar. Yes, that was a sad & dirty joke. I’m ashamed of myself.

Aaaaw, she looks so cute. I love those little spiders on her silky, Asian bod. Nice touch.

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Hayden Panettiere Goes To Slut School

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It’s true that Hayden Panettiere is super young & we here tend to stay away from mocking minors, but if one of these minors is about to jump off a bridge into a narrow, drying river filled with pointy rocks & thirsty alligators, we’re naturally forced to play mommy & daddy (they’re currently on an extended Mal Dives vacation fully paid by daughter-dearest—can you really blame them?).

I guess, if you want to learn staying power (yes, Paris has got it) & a winning strategy on how to attract tons of attention & money (until now, it’s working), then Paris Hilton is the perfect teacher. She’s like the modern Madonna—a genius in self-marketing.

May God have mercy on Hayden.

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Most Awkward Photo-Op. EVER.

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These pics is kinda old, but I just couldn’t pass them up!

Lindsay Lohan’s trying to spruce up her image, so what’s her official strategy? Very simple: Hang out with cracked-out, pill-loving camera whores & watch them make a fool of themselves. It’s very funny to see Mary-Crack Olsen strike a different pose in each pic, but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt & assume she’s just fooling around. Then again, w/ look on Lindsay’s face, I gotta also throw in the crack-factor.

Also, what’s the scoop w/ bloody Kelly Osbourne? Has she officially folded her punk-rocka/rebellious girl cards & joined The (superficial) Darkside?

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Lindsay Wagner Is. . .Bionic Woman!!

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I remember my sister & I religiously watched the reruns in the late 80s. This show probably inspired shows like Jerry O’Connell’s (bastard whore bag who’s currently sleeping with (if he’s smart) Rebecca Romijn!) My Secret Identity & much later on, the lame Nickelodeon production, The Secret World Of Alex Mack.

Lindsay Wagner was excellent. I just remember her jumping up onto bridges, out running trains & just kicking some major ass. Another reason I think we digged this show was because we were really into He-Man & She-Ra at the time, so it just made all the googy, supernatural stuff come to life—very lame indeed. Between Atari, hop-scotch (yes, I had a very sad youth), I gotta give props to Bionic Woman for making me into the slacker I am today! I couldn’t have done it with you, Lindsay.

Here are couple pics.

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Freaky Hotness @ The Deuce Bigalow Party

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Jodie Marsh knows how to spice things up. This Brit tabloid chick was flown in to whore up the excitement level (apart from servicing rich dudes in London, the tabs are pretty much all she’s known for, by the way). Ow!

Oh, by the way, her sweatshirt reads: Don’t you wish ur girlfriend was a freak like me?

Here are a few from last night’s partaay.

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Angelina Jolie: Photos From The Younger Days

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Angie with a little meat on her bones.

If Jolie really cared so much, was really a genuine humanitarian, we wouldn’t know about it. We wouldn’t know how much of her paycheck she donates to charity (you say she donates 5 mil of a 40 mil gig, what’s the percentage? 8% Most Christians donate 10% of their earnings, so that makes her LESS humanitarian than the majority of this country). We wouldn’t know about her show to “promoteâ€? charities. [Mad Reader]

That’s what one out of roughly 500 commenters said in our last post on Angelina. Christians donate because their religion calls for it & even then, I really doubt the majority of this country donates 10% of their bloody income. Seriously, man. Which cave do you live in?

We got a former pastor & current pimp like Joe Simpson who whores around his own daughter by talking about her juicy boobies. You think a guy like him donates 10% of his income?

Anyway, here are a few photos from a photo shoot Angie did in back in the days. Enjoy.

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Tori Spelling Apologizes (For Some Reason)

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I feel that I’ve really disappointed people. I’ve disappointed everyone who came to my wedding. I’m disappointed in myself.

I don’t know exactly what happened and when things started to go wrong. [Tori Spelling apologizing to family, friends & fans for divorcing Charlie Shanian, Female First]

A few questions come to mind…

1. Since when does Tori Spelling have fans?
2. Also, since when do money grubbing acquaintances deserve to be called friends?
3. And lastly, who the hell married Tori Spelling?! My God. I’m so out of it.

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Bastardly Top Model: Cycle 5 Winning Picks!

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I was supposed to do this last week, but work got the best of me! My apologies.

So without further ado-do, here are my top 3 picks to win it all (in order, of course). In order to do this, I don’t need to watch any show or read any articles. I base it purely on my overly superficial ability to judge people.

In the number one position…


Nik! Yes, I think a sistah’s gonna catwalk away with it all once again. Even though Tyra has a big head, I think she still looks out for the sistahs like any other successful black woman would. Aside from that, Nik is drop dead gorgeous! The lips, face, the skull-structure—you name it!

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