Monthly Archives: October 2005

Ashlee Simpson #20 on Billboards Top 100 Singles

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Bastard Kanye West is currently topping the chart, so we’ll see how high Ass’ ‘Boyfriend’ gets.

I haven’t had a chance to buy her latest album yet, so I can’t really do a proper review. I knew a lot of Ass fans come on here expecting great reviews of ‘all-things-Ass’, so my apologies to our under-12 crowd. Maybe if her whorebag father, Joe Simpson, can manage to wring Ass of yet another album, I might prioritize the album higher than some other things on my shopping list like toilet paper, window cleaner, socks, etc.

On that note, when will the music industry take a turn for quality? I think all musicians should be force-injected with heroin, so they can step out of their current state of mind & possible stumble upon something worth listening to. No pain, no gain, baby!!

Now for a pic of Ass giving an interview (arranged by her pimp (daddy)).

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Tiger Woods' Bastardly Halloween Costume

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First, my apologies to all Tiger fans…

For Holloween this year, Tiger Woods will wear a personality. Shocking, indeed. I’m sure he’ll surprise a lot of people while he’s trick-or-treatin’ as he smiles, laughs (maybe), lays down some dirty jokes, and possibly even start a few conversations.

How can you possibly blame the guy? After getting married earlier this year & having endless, upon endless hours of sex with his European honey (Elin Nordegren), who the hell wouldn’t build some type of personality?

Go, Tiger!!

Body Double: Mary Cary & Mariah Carey

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Hopefully this will serve as some sort of redemption for the E.T. & Mischa Barton Body Double from last week.

At first I was going to do a Bastardly Matchup, but I opted for the Body Double instead. It’s not everyday you can find one of these, alright.

This is one of those 30-feet away double-takes b/c apart from having a suspiciously similar name, Mary Cary does carry* a little of the real Carey’s umph inside her (unfortunately). If you shave a cup or two off Mary Cary’s boobs & convince her to have sex with everything that has money & power—forget the Body Double—I think we’ll have Mariah’s twin (God forbid).

Since obviously you’re slacking off, I’m sure you’ll have a few secs to check out more pics of the two below.

*For all our readers who are currently in 9th grade English (yes, we have a sad-sad demographic), that’s my example of alliteration. Use it in class & make your teachers proud.

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Posh Spice: Attention Whore Who Loves Balls

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Some people wear leather & others fur, but our slutty Posh opts for the latest in dead poodle fashion.

The attention whore portion of the title is a given, but there are two theories on the balls flavored sweater.

1. Posh has a secret fetish for keeping balls close to her face (in memory of D. Beckham’s own royal pair, of course)
2. Or, are the balls present merely to help detract attention from her plastic face?

Which one is it, Poshie? Come clean.

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Ocean View Skatepark In Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica

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This is one of those skateparks that you bring your amazingly hot skater chick to & after you’re done w/ your skatin’ biz, you have crazy sex on the rocks. I’m joking, of course (or, am I?). You gotta admit, that would make a great skateboarding-themed porno, though.

Revelry aside, in our travels to the “Pacific Side” of Costa Rica, we literally bumped into this crazy, burned down hotel-turned skatepark located in Manuel Antonio. I cannot describe its beauty; you must taste it out for yourselves. As an added selling point, feast on my photos of the joint!

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Lori Loughlin: Still Super Sexy

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With all this talk about MILFs & it unofficially being MILF Week on the Bastardly, how could we possibly pass up Lori Loughlin, of Full House fame. She was in attendance @ the 32nd Annual Crystal Ball at the Beverly Hilton.

I just remember thinking she was so damn hot back in the day. I also recall how Jessie & her would always sneak away into the kitchen for a quick make-out sessions (that bastard). Odds are pretty good that John Stamos got a piece (or two) of this woman on multiple occasions while Full House was on the air. Damn him.

It’s a pity Mr. Stamos is nothing in comparison to Lori’s real hubs, Mr. Mossimo Giannulli—yes, the bloody creator of the Mossimo line of clothing that’s popular among hot surfer girls & dudes. Wow, it’s safe to say that both parties, Mr. Mossimo & Lori, hit the bloody jackpot by landing each other.

Below are a few pics of Lori from the event.

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