Posts from September 2014

The Bastardly Evening News - Jan. 12, 2006

 in the middle of the afternoon by 5

* *Everyone* can get a piece from Paris Hilton. You don’t need billions of dollars, good looks or a fancy name, all you need is timing. Drunk chicks fall all the time, Paris Hilton is drunk 82.4786% of the time, which means she probably falls a bunch, if yer a true “gentleman” like her bodyguard, you can help her up AND grab some titty at the same time. I love how he looks like he just busted a nut in his pants…and honestly, I’m kinda suprised he didn’t just pick her up like a six-pack. [Defamer]

* Sometimes, I should follow my penis. Last night I was chilliin in my palace, I had just finished drinking some Louis XIV congac and was just starting to count my gold…I was thinking about heading out to Scores to check out some titty and end the night proper, but as that required moving, I nixed the idea. I AM A MORON. Fucking Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss were at Scores last night, getting wasted (and no doubt doing copious amounts of coke off each other’s asses). Once they attained maximum wasteage, they got up on stage and put on a strip show, making out and touching each other in naughty places. Sigh…next time, I guess… [WWTDD]

* I keep my promises, suckaz. The other day I dropped you some knowledge about the Colin Farrell sex tape and I said soon as I got my hands on it I would share. Well, I don’t have the full thing, but here’s a nice little free preview for y’all. I’ll post the full jammy soon as I get it. Ah! A warning, word on the street is that just by watching this video, Colin can infect you with Hepatitis, so make sure yer all vaccinated and junk, his STDs are very, very powerful. [Yeeeah!]

Jessica Simpson Gives FInal Goodbye @ People's Choice

 after a late four martini lunch by 8

I’m getting teary eyed just thinking about how we won’t see any more of Jessica Simpson.

Let’s hope the next time we see her, it will be in some slim-shady Skinimax production in which she’ll play Shannon Tweed‘s daughter and have CableSex w/ all the male characters.

For those of you who missed it, grab a big box of Kleenex & get the gabble-to-gabble-goodbye below. [Sniff, sniff]

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Alicia Keys Looking Wankably Sexy On TRL

 after a late four martini lunch by 20


I know, I know. It’s totally unfair for me to compare Mariah & Alicia…

Alicia Keys is modeling what a healthy, hot woman should look like. I remember that just a few months back she was decked out in leather and looking super chubs, but thankfully she has parted ways w/ Janet Jackson since then. Ok, I’m being being.

For the record, I haven’t a full episode of TRL since that time a stoned/drunk Liam Gallagher showed up on the set & just stared out into Times Square while Carson Daly tried to conduct some sort of lame interview. I’m sure some of you will remember it.

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Jessica Simpson's Wardrobe Malfunction Malfunctioned

 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 20

YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY LOOKING FOR THIS!

At the People’s Choice Awards a couple nights back, J. Simpson had a chance to rescue her dying career (in the short term, of course), but her dress failed to malfunction as planned (by her father/pimp, Joe Simpson).

I mean, a couple more inches, we would’ve had a nipple shot & if you add a couple more inches on top of the nipple shot, we would’ve been cruising deep inside Tara Reid Territory. I’m sure a couple kids back in some shady Chinese sweatshop in the ghettos of Old Shanghai will take the fall for the non-malfunction of her planned wardrobe malfunction (if that makes any sense).

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