Posts from September 2014

HOLY ALLAH JESUS BUDHA! ANGELINA JOLIE IS BLOODY PREGNANT!

 around evening with martini & women in hand by 23

[Work was raping me all day, so excuse the belated excitement]

Yes, I’m pregnant. [Angelina Jolie, Yahoo]

This is, by far, the biggest mistake in recent hotness history. Conventional wisdom will fool one into thinking that this baby will be the hottest thing since free, downloadable porn on the internet, but sticking w/ the classic rule in which two hots make a not-hot, I will predict that Angelina’s baby will be the ugliest thing since Gheorghe Muresan.

Also, if this turns out to be a super hot chick, how wrong would it be for Maddox to hit up on her “Woody Allen-style?”

The Bastardly Evening News - Jan. 11, 2006

 in the middle of the afternoon by 1

chuck

* After pleasuring my Harem, I often find myself ensconced in aminal furs, drinking some Brandy, contemplating the extreme awsomeness and power of Chuck Norris. How can so much masculinity and power reside in a single man? Although I can give no definitive answer to that question, I *can* point you towards a place that chronicles his amazing feats. For example, did you know that Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down? Chuck rules. [ChuckNorrisFacts]

* Not too long ago, I posted about how the chick that Colin Farrell made a sex tape with wanted it released. Well, her wishes have come true. Tape’s out suckaz! Now, I’m not gonna plunk down $14.95 to see an STD factory plow some hot slut, but if any of you cats do, please post a review. That said, if y’all can wait a bit, I’m sure I’ll find it fo’ free and rest assured, I shall pass it on to you, so you can look at Colin’s small wang and think to yerself “sure he’s famous, but he has a small dick” and that will make you feel a bit better about the world. [WWTDD]

* I love Lohan. She dropped the “fat man” and “little boy” of her drug use and bulimia on us in the Vanity Fair interview and now she’s denying she ever said those things…which is interesting because Vanity Fair has her interview taped. The only thing this can mean is that Lindsay Lohan has some sort of evil doppelganger that does drugs and is bulimic and who took her place during the Vanity Fair interview! I bet the doppelganger was also the one that crashed its car into the paparazzi, banged Bruce Willis and made the remake of Herbie. I *need* to get me one of those. [Yeeeah!]

* The first genetically perfect child is currently germinating in Angelina Jolie’s belly. Personally, I think the child will die of blunt trauma to the head before it is born…as Brad ain’t gonna stop banging Angelina while she’s pregnant. [People]

David Beckham: Happy New Year To My Bastardly Ladies

 after a late four martini lunch by 23

We’ve all been kind of MIA as of late, so I figured I’d hook the ladies up w/ some goods more appealing than one of Jackson’s random Latinas. Although, D. Becks has trekked through the labyrinths of The Posh, I know all of you chicks still want a piece of his he-pussy (I got that from Deuce Bigalow).

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Luisana Lopilato & Her Mysterious, Horny Greek Connection

 while eating a Bastardly Certified lunch by 360

Perverted connection would also work. Luisana has won the hearts of every male under the age of 14 in Greece. They apparently want to rip her clothes off and do very naughty things to her.

We will review a few comments on our other Luisana posts that you can find here, here, and also here.

But before I plug a few horny comments by Greek nationals, check out this comment by a confused & concerned (about Luisana) visitor.

Ok, I first came across the Bastardly 3 months ago and have been irritated by the stupidity of many people on here… however, this is the first time I couldn’t resist commenting, and I apologize if this gets lengthy. First of all, where do you greeks learn your english??? Jeez, and I thought asians were bad. Why don’t you just stick to your native tongue? I understand that English is difficult to learn, but I’ve met 5-year old autistic kids that make more sense than all of you. Secondly, are there no therapists in Greece for you little perverts to go see about your sick and unnnatural obsession with this poor girl? IT’S CREEPY. I hope none of you are visiting the USA anytime soon… but if you are please let me know so I can starve my Rottweiler for a couple days in case you creeps come around with your unrealistic infatuations and peek in my windows. Maybe I’m being an ignorant American but if I was this “Louisianaâ€? chick (or whatever her name is… I’ve never heard of her) I would definitely NEVER visit Greece, despite it’s beauty, for fear that a bunch of 16-year old boys with multiple STDs would chase me down and rape me… all while stuffing Spanakopeta down my throat. [Original Doll]

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The Bastardly Evening News - Jan. 10, 2006

 in the middle of the afternoon by 5

simpsex

* Some sick perverted fuck supposedly broke into Ashlee Simpson’s house last year and lifted a video tape that had a recording of Ashlee having sex with some unlucky man. I’m suprised the cat that stole it is still alive…I’m guessing that the tape works kinda like the videotape in The Ring and that is why he is trying to release it to the public…he must get another to see it if he is to survive. I do not envy him (or the dude that had to bang Ashlee). [Dlisted]

* Yeah, I can time travel, so? I have no idea why this is or from whence it came, all I do know is that I am about 98.846% sure that it is an accurate representation of Mariah in a few years. That is, if she doesn’t have another meltdown and kill herself first…which is also possible…and maybe preferable. [Dlisted]

* Every time I see a new picture of Jessica Alba, I would like to rip my fucking eyes out she is so hot. I have to repeatedly punch myself in the penis to stop from humping the monitor when I see her pics. Seriously, her X-TREME hotness makes me angry on the inside. It is fucking patently unfair that chicks are allowed to get as hot as her…she should not be allowed outside and no pics and/or film should ever be taken of her…unless she wants to *ahem* share the hotness - if you know what I mean and I think you do…Ah. Yes. I had a point - Nick Lachey is looking for a new ho, one that will appreciate his music (snicker) and his love of sports. What does this have to do with Alba? Not much, he mentions that she’s stupid hot (duh)…and the post has a bunch of pics of Alba that I haven’t seen before (and by “seen” I mean “masturbated to”). [Yeeeah!]

* Ah! Speaking of hos and Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson is supposedly calling him crying and talking in baby-talk, telling him how she still loves him and misses him. Awwww. So sweet. Nick, homey, if you are reading this, read closely - this is what you do, dog, be all “yeah, baby, I miss you too” and shit, get her some flowers, break out with some “baby, I want to see you so we can talk” bullshit, arrange to meet her somewhere private and sexy (bring condoms), be nice and charming, have HOT dirty sex…seriously, this is the last time yer gonna hit it, so *totally* defile her, I’m talking about rocking rusty trombone, angry dragon, dog in the tub type shit. Make sure to film it. Release the tape when you are low on cash (and you will be as yer career is pretty much over now), spend the cash on bitches. No need to thank me homeboy. [Jossip]

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