Posts from July 2014

Bastardly Weekend Cleaning…K-Fed's Baby & His Baby's Momma

Getting rid of some old shit that was never used for one reason or another…

So is Britney pregnant again?! For Kevin’s sake, I hope so b/c that means another child support check after he ditches Britney for Jessica Alba (just as soon as Cash Warren lets her ass go!!)!

Bastardly Run-on Sentence Review: Adaptation

I know most of you probably hate Nicolas Cage, but I think the guy kicks ass—just like fucking Keanu Reeves, baby, so yeah, I just saw Adaptation after it sat on top of my bedside table for the last month or two and if you’re a blockbuster.com member wondering who’s the fucker sitting on Adaptation, well, now you know, so my apologies go out (not really), but apart the side bullshit, I’m really glad I didn’t prematurely return the movie & actually watched it b/c it was a pretty solid flick & a true psychological reflection of what I go through each & every robotic morning—i mean it started out that way, at least—”I’m going to run everyday//I’m going to walk to that hot girl in the office near my workplace & tell her I want her…now//how I’m going to stop indulging in two scoops of sweet-cream w/ granola & pecans from Marble Slab, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos & Burger King Milkshakes//etc//etc, so yeah, it was kind of depressing & refreshing (just like this Run-On Sentence Review) & it made me realize that a lot of things we do—(ok, ok, I’ll speak for myself)—let me start over—a lot of things I do through the course of the day is completely meaningless, but succeeds to make me happy (i.e. this blog & these lame Run-On Sentence Reviews), so yeah (“so yeah” is the ultimate Run-on Sentence transition, by the way), if you just got fired, divorced, dumped, raped, etc, etc, don’t watch this film b/c it’ll make you reach for the nearest gun & shoot yourself in the head-Kurt Cobain-style, but of course, there’s also that small, small chance you might make it to the last 3-5 minutes of the flick & something might spark inside you that will cause you to see the light & ultimately serve as a cure to your sad state of existence, so w/ those words in hand, rock the 40oz, baby!

The Bastardly Evening News - Jan. 27, 2006

* After watching the Lord of the Rings, I was convinced all hobbits (and elves for that matter) were straight up Semen Warriors. Imagine my suprise when I found out that Dominic Monaghan is not only banging, but is now freakin’ *engaged* to Evangeline Lilly. Sigh…I guess my plans for a wild sex romp with homegirl have been foiled…for now… [Egotastic]

* Speaking of wild sex romps and Semen Warriors, Clay Aiken, the red-headed stepchild spawned from the loins of American Idol seems to have eaten some penis on the down-low. It seems some dude met him over IMs and later they met in some hotel where much penis was eaten…so much in fact that the dude Clay fed his penis to has a dirty cum rag, crusty with Clay jizz, to prove it went down. Niiiiice. [Yeeeah!]

* No naky for Uma! Yeah, so like Uma Thurman has said she will never appear naked on film again…my question is whether she actually thinks anyone really wanted to peep her misshapen, pasty, droopy boobs again. She’s old now, we already saw her stuff in its prime, there’s really no reason to pop ‘em out again. She says she didn’t wanna become a sensational sex symbol…yeah…umm…no worries about that, baby. [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]

Melissa Smith - A Bastardly Interview

Photos courtesy of Melissa Smith

Melissa Smith is one damn talented girl that’s on the move. Now I know I proclaimed by bias towards the girls from season one on Making the Band 3 but I most definitely have to give much respect and admiration to the lovely Melissa. We obviously know that she can sing and dance but the skills don’t stop just there. In addition to being a talent actress, I really wanna get in on some of her good ol’ home cooked chicken parmesan. Watch out for more of Melissa and find out the latest at MelissaSmithOnline.com….and of course, she’s got a Myspace page too!!!

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Jessica Alba's Sweet Ass From Ass Heaven

It appears that J. Alba has trapped Cash Warren in between the depths of her sweaty thighs. Ok, time to take a down a glass of ice-cold water

Ok. W/ that in hand, let’s review J. Alba’s & C. Warren’s daily schedule when Ms. Alba’s not busy making one of her blockbuster busts

1. Wake up late, tired after a long night of sex
2. Lay in bed while Cash plays around w/ Jessica Alba’s naked bod
3. Brunch
4. Beach [if it’s a secluded beach, have sex)
5. Head back to pad or hotel & have sex until dinner
6. Dinner
7. Long night of crazy sex
8. Sleep late after having sex

Once again, damn you, Cash!!!

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