Monthly Archives: September 2004

Ratings – Keira "Pancake" Knightley

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Ow! Keira!
We all know Keira Knightley is hot, but I think a lot of us are just Americans who find a semi-beautiful girl w/ a British accent sexy. Actually, just today it was learned that Keira topped a 100 Sexiest Movie Star Of All Time list put out by UK’s Empire Magazine. That’s quite a claim by the mag (a little bias), but I kindly disagree. By the way, Ms. Jolie came in second. If you put the two of them side by side, you’d have to be completely blind to choose Keira over Angelina. Seriously. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, let’s hit the numbers.

6.25 – Raw score. The number of bones you can count on her body is almost sickening, but I guess that’s the price of style & acceptance in our superficial society.

– 0.75 – The potential for murder or death while you have sex with Ms. Knightley. Once again, put some meat on those pointy bones, sistah! Even with 10-15 more pounds, Jackson will still love you & your boobless body.

+ 1.25 – She made her world debut in an Indian flick. It wasn’t British, a’right! It was bloody Indian. Bangra 4 life, baby!

– 0.50 – She must remedy the skinnyman-boob situation ASAP! I’m not saying you go out & pull a Pamela Anderson, ok. I’m gonna guess & say she’s either a AAA or an AA, so I would suggest at least jumping to a B (beware, the link leads to a not-so good lookin’ pair of boobs).

6.25 – Total Score

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Anna Nicole’s BIG Secret

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I know you guys are far smarter than to believe that a simple membership to a spa is responsible for Anna Nicole losing 300 lbs. It’s all an illusion, my friends. She showed her fatass on TV for a good 6 months & engraved her 800lb body in our fragile minds. Then, lo & behold, she joined a spa & now weighs a cool 250! You see, it’s all a ploy.

Sistah, please! Why bother with a spa & exercise when you can call up the bank from your livingroom couch & wire some dough to your neighborhood surgeon’s account. Now that we have the facts straight, lets guess the surgical enhancements involved in this transformation:

1. Abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)………………..Loss of 200lbs
2. Rhytidectomy (face lift)……….Loss of 7lbs
3. Lipo (takin’ Anna outta Anna)……….Loss of 50lbs
4. Snipets of extra skin……….Loss of 5lbs
5. Boobies (a size or two reduction)……….Loss of 5lbs

Exercise – She didn’t mean to, it just happened!

6. Walking to Surgeon’s Office……….Loss of 15lbs
7. Walking to TrimSpa Ad Shoots……….Loss of 10lbs

Total Weight Lost: 292 pounds!

May God have mercy on Plastic Surgeons!

The Ghetto Connection

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As I am well connected with my peoples of all incomes, I’ve uncovered one of the least rewarding & most horrible paying jobs in the world.

Phone book Delivery! You know, that little book we take completely for granted, but manages to bail us out when the internet is not available? Yes, PEOPLE actually deliver those 10 pound weights!

A friend of mine researched into delivering these books this year b/c she was a (little) strapped for cash (haha. Sad, I know). Get this: They have a seminar, that teaches you proper mechanisms behind the delivery of phone books (i.e. tells you to place books in front of customer door hinges so that they don’t trip, reveals how you can capture a 20% (!!!) bonus if you place each book @ the doorstep, & etc etc). So I bet you’re all wondering how you can get in on this in your own cities, right? Here are the stats, my friends:

1. Number of Phone books to deliver: 900 Larges + 900 Smalls
2. Payment: $130
3. 20% bonus: $26

Seriously, that works out to be 7.22 cents per book! BUT if you opt to shoot for that exclusive bonus, make that 8.66 cents per book, kids! Those capitalist bastards!

Sidenote about seminar: All the people in attendance were WOMEN!

The Bastardly Vote: Debates, Part I

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Yes, I should be slapped for putting that up.

Should be interesting to see what happens—not that there were will be any relevant info except more material for gossip. Bush will merely continue his thuggish robot march & make witty comments that poke at Kerry’s indecisive past. Truly bastardly strategy, I tell you.
Anyway, here’s what not to expect in the debates:

1. Direct answers to any questions each candidate will be asked.

2. Every ‘beat around the bush’ tactic in the book (i.e. waste time & repeat each other)

3. Israel & Palestine issues (i.e. any key issue that will truly make a difference)

4. Reference to lost troops in Iraq (even though the questions will reference the poor souls)

If you’re one of the few who still remain undecided, watch with plenty of patience for bullshit!

Rock the vote, yo!

Asslee "Please Retire" Simpson Attacking Movies

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Asslee Simpson
Is it really worth putting that thing on a 70-foot screen?!

Shit! Her cocksucking, greedy bastard of a father is whoring his daughter to Hollywood now. Asslee, take our word for it:

1. Your daddy is a pimping bastard who should have his balls cut off. (Ok, maybe that’s a little too harsh)

2. You have no talent & should retire before all 400k copies of your album flood the used section @ music stores around the country. Uhhh…that gives you about 2 weeks! Ok, I’m gonna be nice now.

Ok, on to more important stuff. It was recently revealed that Ashlee Simpson already pullin’ a J-Lo & hitting up hollywood. Hmm, what could such a project involve? I’ll let her describe it & you be the judge:

The movie involves music and actors, and all that kind of stuff. I play an actor, and it’s basically about musicians trying to find their way. There’s a guy who gets too old to be a musician, and all of us become his fan club. So it’s going to be a great movie, it’s going to be really exciting. [via Female First]

The explanation was alright up until “There’s a guy…” Ass, you seriously gotta stop hittin’ those weefers before interviews. Take our word! QUIT while you’re slowly falling behind!!

Prisons With A Touch Of Martha

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Martha Makeover

It’s been decided! Alderson Federal Prison is the lucky institution that will soon greet Martha Stewart! Poor lady. Seriously. After snooping around in attempt to find some juice, I found some secret documents being held for shareholders in a future press release. We’ve now put 2 and 2 together & finally figured out why Martha’s been so damn anxious to head to prison. Let’s take one of her statements out of context to help support our case,

I hope too that I will be able to begin serving my sentence in the very near future…[via Yahoo]

View the next page to see photos from a possible ad campaign launching for the redesign of boring, old Alderson prison.

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Oh No! Kevin Federline In Heavy Debt!

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Although, the brotha’s not worried! hmmm

Anyway, has Britney gone crazy or does she just think we’re all dumbass hicks (not that Kevin Federline is)? As I have stated, Kevin is a fucking genius to have hit the marriage jackpot with a $108m bombshell of a pop-princess! You go, boy! Here’s Brit screaming off to the press:

I am very annoyed with some reports speculating such [garbage] that I had to pay for the wedding myself and that I even had to buy my own ring.

“It’s simply so not true. Kevin took out a loan to contribute towards the wedding and so he could buy me my band. He insisted.

“It’s so hurtful when this kind of thing comes out. Kevin pays his own way and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Ok-ok, let’s give her the loan part. Great for Kevin & his morale, but why would any banker give a dancer a fucking loan?! I know I wouldn’t. BUT, there’s a minor detail the bankers took into consideration. This dirty dancin’ hick of a backup dancer is now married to Britney Spears who has royalties spewing out of her ass.

Brit, must we resort to speculating again?

Leo Uncaged: The Classic Hollywood Break Up

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(Yes, she’s damn hot in that photo)

Let’s try to dissect the recent Leonardo DiCaprio break-up with supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

Leo’s Side: Definitely not rocket science here, my friends. He’s 26 & she wanted him to propose. He pretty much didn’t say anything about marriage & just enjoyed her body & company while it lasted. He’s been with her for 4 years already, so I imagine he was getting tired of having the same long, sexy legs wrapped around him every night of the week. He’ll enjoy the single, heart-broken life for a few months until the next beauty steps into his love-trap. Let’s smile for Leo.

Gisele’s Side: She’s 24 & for some odd reason is dreaming of kids & marriage already. Don’t believe in this BS, alright. It’s only a front for “Let’s break up, already!” She’s doing this b/c she too wants to move the hell on & knows very well that Leo will not take such an extreme step as to propose to her boney, supermodel ass. How can we confirm this? Listen to her bastard friends who speak to the media:

Gisele, 24, who has been dating 26-year-old Leo for almost four years, has left the couple’s Los Angeles home and flown to New York where she is being “comforted” by actor Josh Hartnett, The Sun reports today.

Gisele got fed up waiting for Leo to pop the question and although she loves him she no longer sees him as the man she will marry,” a source told the newspaper. Gisele has found whole experience has been traumatic, the source went on to say.
[via Mega Star & Female First]

Josh Hartnett. See, if she was so much in love & ready to marry, what’s the fucking reason to have a safety net waiting in a bed across the country? Supermodels! They think they’re so damn smart! Bah.

Veronica Mars & Paris Hilton

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Uhh…so what’s this show about again? Who really cares anyway, right? Paris Hilton will apparently be on the first episode, so you can expect 2 things: ratings to be high & Paris to be sporting her jewelry. Paris revealed a little about the deep character she’s set to play:

I think the character I am playing is the stereotype of me,” Paris tells ET. “She is snobby and rude and basically what people would think I am like, but I am not.

Raaaight! And Paris will now tell us that her eyes are naturally blue, her hair is naturally blonde & her nose is plastic surgery free.

Here’s another tragic revelation by Paris,

“I had my credit card stolen, my ATM stolen, my Social Security number stolen,” she says. “I was doing ‘Simple Life 1’ when someone broke into my mail and took my credit card. They were taking money from the ATM every day. I never found out who did it.” [via ET]

Every day, huh? Paris, by chance, did the thought of calling the bank cross your mind while your money was being stolen from you day after day?

Ben Afleck Hits Up Another Jenny

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Jennifer Garner
It’s not his fault, ok. Jennifer Garner was his co-star in the shitty movie, Dare Devil (did anyone watch that, by the way?). One lunch lead to a dinner, the dinner led to coffee, and the coffee took a trip to Jenny’s tight jeans and the jeans & panties took a walk to Ben’s washing machine. As Jennifer stood half naked in Ben’s living room, what else was he to do except proceed with wild, crazy, western sex. Like I said, it’s not his fault. One of their friends on the inside recently leaked:

She’s a girl who throws herself totally into her work and keeps her relationships quiet. Jennifer isn’t clingy or drawn to the Hollywood limelight. She isn’t super demanding of Ben’s time, either. Jennifer’s also fine with Ben playing poker in Vegas for several days at a time… [Via Times of India]

I like the random bit at the end about poker. It’s almost like a prereq to date Ben Afleck or something. Well, you know how this goes: he’ll do another movie only to hookup again with his next co-star. 3 monther. Possibly 6 as they are a quiet couple and the breakup news might take 3 months to leak.

Go Ben! Rock the Hollywood ass while you’re still young, and then settle down Michael Dougy style once you hit 50 with a young bird who everyone wants in bed.

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